Mocklore is my fantasy world - it’s
not a whole world, mind you, just a little island Empire. Natives of the
isle of Mocklore know little of the outside world except that it has kings,
queens, barbarian heroes and princesses with pointy headdresses. Many people
from the outside world come to Mocklore (either royalty on diplomatic missions,
heroes looking for something big and nasty to kill or outlaws with nowhere
else to go). They usually don’t stay long, since Mocklore’s unique environment
is not suited to foreigners.
Mocklore is magical, with countless magical catastrophes in its
history. They are now becoming more common, causing nasty side-effects
to the landscape. The pollution from such catastrophes is building up
to worryingly high levels, and it is getting so you can’t go down to the
shops without being attacked by a horde of flying fish...
These files contain all you need to know about Mocklore - although
obviously you will get more details by reading the books themselves.
Splashdance Silver
The first Mocklore Chronicle,
detailing the adventures of Kassa Daggersharp
and the events surrounding the cataclysmic Second Glimmer.
Liquid Gold
The second Mocklore Chronicle, exploring the afterlife, OtherRealm and the
mysteries of time travel, as well as introducing a new heroine, the mysterious
Sparrow.
Introducing Delta Void
Yet another kick-butt Mocklore
heroine, this one starring in her own series of short stories.
Mocklore Glossary
The official encyclopaedia of
Mocklore - characters, places and peculiar objects,
regularly updated whenever a new Mocklore installment is published.
Splashdance Silver
Kassa and Aragon showing
their stuff.
Detail from cover illustration by Evert Ploeg
Splashdance Silver, Bantam 1998
Book #1 of the Mocklore Chronicles.
Kassa
Daggersharp has just heard word that her dad’s dead and she’s
heir to a vast silver treasure trove from the famous Splashdance
pirate ship.
But in grand pirate tradition, the last will and testament of Vicious Bigbeard Daggersharp doesn’t
actually say where the silver is. And to add to Kassa’s woes, everyone
- from legendary royal champion and pin-up boy Aragon Silversword
to the Lady Emperor Talle - seems to
be trying to find and claim the silver for themselves.
This hilarious story of the race for the Splashdance
silver is about pirates and politics, treasure and traitors, epic adventures,
magical mysteries, nearly-true-love and things which glint in
the night.
“Very funny, original
and a pleasure to read.”
Garth Nix, author of SABRIEL.
“From the opening scene of
the novel, [Roberts] skillfully juggles an ever-expanding cast, while
building up the world of Mocklore. While I couldn’t escape the feeling
that, like Seinfeld, this comedy is not about much, it was seldom less
than entertaining and on occasion very funny.”
Jonathan Strahan, Eidolon: SF Online Reviews
“Unlike so many other Book
Ones, this is actually a complete story with a beginning, middle and end.
So even though there is scope for further adventures and the hint of things
to come, this particular installment is complete in itself. Which is
a big plus as far as I’m concerned.”
FRONTIER, Issue 15, April-June
1999
Return to Table of Contents
Read an Excerpt of Splashdance Silver
Visit
Liquid Gold
Liquid Gold
Book #2 of the Mocklore Chronicles.
Liquid Gold - the most seductively
dangerous substance in the history of the cosmos - has just been discovered
in the Mocklore Empire. But no sooner does its creator, Mistress Opia,
realise its breathtaking capacity to manipulate time than Sparrow,
the troll-raised mercenary, steals it away.
With the Liquid Gold unleashed, nothing will ever be the same again,
certainly not for Kassa Daggersharp, who has been
unexpectedly killed by a rampaging trinket. As the Underworld’s
latest client, Kassa is in a position to notice that something is terribly
wrong with the afterlife - and everywhere else.
Meanwhile, an escaping Sparrow teams up with Daggar,
a profit-scoundrel doing his best to be unscrupulous. But neither are
prepared for the repercussions of tampering with the Liquid Gold.
The sequel to Splashdance Silver has a full
complement of dysfunctional gods, dastardly villains and butt-kicking
heroines.
READ AN EXCERPT
Buy
a copy
Return to the Table of Contents
Be Introduced to Delta Void
Introducing Delta Void
Delta Void - DV to her friends - can change her face and
personality at will. This is usually a pretty good plan, since her natural
persona is that of an sarcastic, anti-social bint. She does odd jobs for
a living which usually involve quests, clichéd mythical creatures and
attractive men she can’t have. She has an evil twin sister, who is the
least disturbing member of her family.
In Delta Void and the Unicorn Soup (published in AustrAlien
Absurdities, June 2002), DV goes in search of the most romantic and
magical of creatures in order to provide the Beautiful Street with soup
made from real unicorn. Naturally, she runs across trouble, including a
giant dragon (which should not exist), an annoying dragon hunter and, of
course, her own destructive multiple personalities who sabotage her at every
turn.
In Delta Void and the Clockwork Man (Agog! Fantastic Fiction,
June 2002) DV meets the perfect male - golden, muscled, and not technically
alive. Her job is to present him to the new Jarl of Axgaard,
which means travelling through the mad landscape of Mocklore accompanied
by a clockwork robot who is programmed to fall in love. Not only that, but
DV keeps being mistaken for her evil twin sister Theta, which always means
something terrible is about to happen… it always does.
Watch this space for the further adventures of Delta Void, including
DV & the Mountain God, DV & the Concubine Caper, DV & the Dream
Machine and DV & the Horny Devil.
Return
to the Table of Contents
Browse the Very Nearly Official Mocklore Glossary
The Very Nearly Official
Mocklore Glossary
Splashdance Silver, Liquid Gold and "Once upon a Literal
Legend."
AMORATA: Brunette goddess of bubbled
drinks, satin sheets, romantic ballads and ill repute.
ANGLORACHNIS: the first kingdom you see as you get off the
land bridge when leaving Mocklore. Coming from a generally feudal and
chivalrous society, Anglorachnids are notoriously stuffy, dull and/or
hideously normal. Such natives usually go into shock when visiting Mocklore;
this does not often happen.
ANGLORACHNIS, Ambassador of: wears purple. Talks rubbish.
ARAGON: see SILVERSWORD, Aragon
AXGAARD: town of fortresses and axes.
The occupants spend their whole time drinking and trying to build boats
with wheels. The city is made out of wood, and thus is a really nasty
accident waiting to happen. Current Lordling: Svenhilda. Patron God: Wordern.
BAKER, Bessemund: an overly-theatrical lady with large hair
who went on to be the most fearsome pirate to sail the seas. She's damn
handy with a rolling pin, too.
BIGBEARD: see DAGGERSHARP, Vicious Bigbeard
BINX: God of Dreadnought; in other
words, god of strong drink, bad acting, falling over in gutters, and
people selling crunchy things in a bag. See Psittacus.
BLACKGUARDS: the security force
of Dreadnought.
They carry curved scimitars because of a whim of the 37th Emperor, and
are uniformed in (surprise, surprise) black.
BLACK NELL: née Nellisand Witchdaughter,
a woman who rebelled against her family, married a pirate (Vicious Bigbeard Daggersharp),
dyed her hair black and generally got herself a bad reputation. After
giving birth to Kassa under difficult circumstances
in the Year of the Sculpted Concubine, Black Nell declared independence
from her husband and captained a ship of her own, the Splashdance.
After her ship was scuppered by Bigbeard, she fell to her watery death
but went on to wreak havoc in the Underworld, particularly after
her husband joined her.
BRAIDED BONES: Husband
of Zelora Footcrusher. He deserted
her in order to join the crew of the Dread Redhead, captained by
Bigbeard. After being cursed
to stay a small stone gargoyle (except at full moon), Braided Bones briefly
affiliated himself with Bigbeard's daughter Kassa,
during which period he was transformed by the Glimmer II into an eight-foot
gargoyle-man. He then reconciled with his ex-wife.
BREWER'S PAVILION, the:
an unsightly structure which sits in the middle of Dreadnought, in
which the notorious Brewers perform strange alchemical experiments. Includes
Mistress
Opia, Elder Grackling, the Soothsayer
and Chenx
the apprentice among its staff. Well, actually that's all the staff.
BRONKX: A gnome in the service of the Hidden Army,
hired to work all the complex machinery needed for them to move their
hideouts from mountain to mountain. Grumpy. Falls asleep at any provocation.
CAMELOT, Griffin: a prepubescent
Urchin-spy
who was hired by Zelora Footcrusher to track
down her errant husband Braided Bones, and was then
headhunted by the Lady Emperor. He can cook, too.
Griffin currently serves as Prime Minister to Mocklore.
CAMELOT OF EAGLESBOG, Baron: the legendary knight of knights.
Once performed a great service to the Empire in order to earn this title,
then did something so mindblowingly insulting to the throne that his name
was wiped from the history books forever.
CAMELOT THE STREET-HAWKER: now deceased parent of Griffin
Camelot, according to Griffin, anyway.
CAPTAIN OF THE DREADNOUGHT BLACKGUARDS #1: A dismal looking
chap with weary eyes, sagging shoulders and a personality which only lasts
for thirty seconds at a time. His gloomy mood is mainly to do with the
fact that for three years his Blackguards were made up of
mummers and minstrels, while all the unemployed guards had to scrape theatrical
livings. The shock of having this mistake rectified was obviously too much
for him, as he left the service soon after and now has a nice little raspberry
farm in the Midden Plains.
CAPTAIN OF THE DREADNOUGHT BLACKGUARDS #2: A gruff, blustery
chap with the memory of a cheese grater.
CENTRAL BARDIC REGISTRY:
the administrative centre responsible for all the mummers, mimes, minstrels,
jesters, performers and creative minds in Mocklore (in other words, nearly
everyone except the merchants, farmers, pirates and profit-scoundrels).
Run by the Chief Mummer, the Registry
is officially a non-profit organisation, which means it takes in money from
its members, but doesn't pay its staff.
CHENX: an apprentice. See the Brewers
Pavilion.
CHIANTRIO: an exotic, bauble-worshipping
island with close ties to the Mocklore Empire and even closer ties to
the OtherRealm.
Lots of coconuts. Lots and lots of coconuts. Kassa
died here (she got better) and Talle spent most of her childhood
here, which may explain a lot about Talle.
CHIEF MUMMER: as head administrator
of the Central Bardic Registry, he
is one of the most important movers and shakers of the city of Dreadnought.
He is a small man in white makeup with an unreasonable attachment to his
rubber chicken. In public, he always communicates either in mime or in
ringing circus tones.
CLOCKWORK: Items using this technology are particularly trendy
within the upper echelons of Mocklore society, although everyone is mildly
disconcerted by the fact that they don't know how to make the damn stuff
stop.
CLUFT: home of the educational institution
known as the Polyhedrotechnical. Current Lordling: Vice-chancellor Bertie.
COOPER, Cutlass: A dashing
young pirate who fell for Tione, a time-travelling concubine/secret
policewoman who was promptly turned to stone by Princess Medusa
in the (aptly named) Year of the Sculpted Concubine. After rescuing Tione
from the sculpture collection of Emperor Timregis,
Cutlass married her and became the Emperor's Champion.
COOPER, Reed: Son of Cutlass Cooper
and Tione.
Brother to Rosawund. Reed was trained as
an apprentice to Vicious Bigbeard Daggersharp
and was present when Kassa released the first Glimmer
on to the world. After an intriguing conversation with an ambitious young
courtesan named Talle, Reed betrayed and killed
his pirate master, sank his ship, escaped and entered the service of
the Lady Emperor. He is brash, swaggering, terribly handsome and wears
black. He also wears an eyepatch, for no apparent reason.
COOPER, Reony (Lady):
In an alternate future later sabotaged by Daggar
and Sparrow,
Reony was Reed Cooper's niece and Lady
of the Green Manor. Neither Reony nor her brother Tangent
have yet been born.
COOPER, Rosawund: Reed Cooper's twin sister and
theoretical parent to Tangent and Reony.
COOPER, Tangent (Lord):
Theoretical future nephew of Reed Cooper. Brother to Reony.
Lord of the Green Manor. Fancied Sparrow. (oh, who didn’t?)
COSMO: the name given by Kassa Daggersharp
to a research sprite specialising in cosmology whom she blackmailed into
helping her save the cosmos from insidious fictional elements. "Cosmo"
is blue and wears bite-sized spectacles.
DAGGAR: see PROFIT-SCOUNDREL, Daggar.
DAGGERSHARP, Kassa: A heroine
with big ideas, big boots, big hair and an alarming personality. What more
is there to be said?
DAGGERSHARP, Vicious
Bigbeard: Scourge of the Purple Seas, Master of the Dread
Redhead and Winner of the Violent and Truly Orrible Sea & Sword Olympics
three years running. Father of Kassa. Now deceased. Last seen
in the Underworld
with Black
Nell, rebelling against the administration and threatening
to start an independent city-state.
DARK ONE, the: A god who doesn’t
like his ominous image. Due to the influence of Kassa,
he now tries to wear clothes in bright pastels so as to give himself
a less threatening ambiance. It doesn't really work.
DILYS: Secretary to Lordling Rorey.
DRAGON SCALES: highly prized material for coats, boots and
armour, due to its flameproof nature. Acquired by complex shearing techniques
known only to certain old drakherding families, mostly congregating around
the Teatime Mountain.
DREADNOUGHT: the Imperial Capital.
Home to the Blackguards, some pigsellers,
the Profithood, the Central
Bardic Registry, the Whet & Whistle and the
Brewer's
Pavilion. Patron god: Binx.
DREAD REDHEAD: Bigbeard's ship, named (presumably)
after his red-headed daughter, since his red-headed wife had a tendency
to dye her hair black. Crew included Braided Bones, Reed Cooper,
Cumbermord 'Turbot-face' Gralhoun,
Bruised Cordwainer, Three-eyed Nadger etc. The ship was sunk by Reed
Cooper (with help from the Red Admirals) after he betrayed
& killed Bigbeard.
DREAD REDHEAD SONGWITCH OF BLOODY CREEK, the: a pseudonym
invented by Kassa in a moment of sheer desperate creativity, while trying
to intimidate some Blackguards.
ELDER GRACKLING: a warlock
who has been old and doddering since the age of seventeen, and has a thing
about portable rainclouds. See the Brewer's Pavilion.
FAIRY SPRITE-MOTHER: Although
not strictly a goddess, she was included in the ranks of the deities
of Mocklore at the last minute in exchange for a large collection of merit-badges.
She is similar to the sugar plum fairy, if the sugar plum fairy was a
large tweedy woman who believed in fresh air and sensible shoes. Patron
of mountains and other good spots for hiking, particularly the Skullcaps
and the Teatime Mountain. See also
Order of Sparkling Nuns.
FENETRE, Bounty: a hobgoblin bounty hunter with big brown
eyes and designer chainmail, who gives the word 'willowy' a bad name. Has
a torrid history with Aragon Silversword and Luc Triclover,
among others.
FIERO, Ferdee Firehazard:
prince of firebrands. Accosts travellers, captures them and forces them
to entertain his people in the Firebrand Show.
FIREBRAND SHOW, the: a
regular performance put on by and for the benefit of the firebrands. As
well as whatever travellers happen by, the show includes such regulars
as Frio the Water Swallower, Fontze the Interior Decorator, Fieorella and
the Froo-Froos, Fatricia's Flying Salamanders and the game show Blind Scorch,
hosted by Federick Fyne. The current master of ceremonies is Ferdee
Firehazard Fiero.
FOOTCRUSHER, Zelora: A
Deputy leader of the Hidden Army (K division). An
attractive woman with slightly pointed teeth, whose eyes glint red when
angry. Married to Braided Bones. After a brief
liason with Daggar Profit-scoundrel,
she reunited with her husband and promptly had her hair turned into a
nest of serpents by the Glimmer II. That'll show her.
FREDGIC: Court Warlock to Lordling Rorey.
GARGOYLE: see Braided Bones.
GLIMMER: The first Glimmer occured during the aptly-named
Year of the Glimmer. It was apparently caused by a bizarre series of events
involving Amorata,
Binx,
Kassa
Daggersharp, Reed Cooper, a hundred warlocks
and a box of shiny things. Described by onlookers as "a magical explosion
with pink bits," the Glimmer was nothing short of a catastrophe, causing
grand environmental damage and intense magical fallout to the Skullcap
Mountains which
were actually pretty weird to start with. See Glints.
GLIMMER II: A sequel to the first
Glimmer,_this
event was also attributed to Kassa Daggersharp,_although
the actual re-release of the destructive glints was caused by Kassa’s
profitmongering cousin Daggar, who was far too busy
to notice what he had done. The Glimmer II raged rampantly through Mocklore,
endangering the Midden crops among other things, but was contained by
various sprites and gods, all of whom had the ulterior motive of wanting
to use the extraordinary properties of the glints for themselves. The majority
of the glints were then neutralised by Kassa's employment of a rain spell,
although some of the remaining glints (the water ones, which were impervious
to rain) disrupted a very important garden party being held by the Lady Emperor.
GLINTS: in the words of an old, nameless
philosopher from Zibria in an old, nameless
Zibrian dialect, glints are: "small shiny things which go POW. Do not eat."
GODRICKSKEYRIDGE, Ranulf:
the last man loyal to Timregis the Puce. Ranulf remained loyal long
after his Emperor's death, staging highly unsuccessful revolutions against
every succeeding Emperor, whose various downfalls had nothing whatever
to do with Ranulf. He finally made his mark by attempting to stage a revolution
against The Lady Emperor, who had him
executed nastily. With spiders.
GORDAGE: a particularly unpleasant Imperial dungeon-warden
who grunts a lot and keeps a chicken bone in his beard.
GRALHOUN, Cumbermord:
an ex-pirate who was one of the crew of the Dread Redhead, but quit before
the ship was sunk by Reed Cooper. He then moved into
a literary career, coming up with the bright idea of publishing children's
stories without taking proper precautions (such as tying them down with
the strictures of epic verse) so that the story elements escaped and ran
rampant, endangering the cosmos and seriously confusing the Princess
of Axgaard and the Prince of the Middens. Luckily,
Kassa Daggersharp
was on hand to sort things out, with the help of Cosmo the research sprite.
GRIFFIN: see CAMELOT, Griffin.
HIDDEN ARMY: see Methods by which Illegal Mercenaries avoid
Execution.
HIDDEN EXECUTIVE LEADER: see Hidden Army.
HWENHYFAR OF ANGLORACHNIS: a rather wet queen of the
kind who wears pointy hats with wisps hanging off, and reads large quantities
of romantic epic. Visiting Dreadnought with her husband,
she had a brief liason with Reed Cooper which sent her into
a constant state of blushes.
HUMPTY, Baron: Lordling of the
Midden
Plains. Has one surviving son, Prince
of the Middens, and a beard of interesting hue, due to
a run in with Glimmer II.
ICE-QUEEN, the: Very scary lady. Silver axe. Teeth. Say no
more.
ICESPRITES: pretty much what the name suggests. Sprites who
live in a contant state of winter and are themselves formed partly from
ice. Their obsession is trade and marketing - any unfortunate traveller
who falls among them must contribute to their economy by selling, buying
and bartering until they have nothing left to barter with - at which point
they are horribly but ceremoniously executed.
IMPERIAL BATH INCIDENT: a colossal sunken pool in the centre
of the Dreadnought Palace, the Imperial Bath was once lined with gold.
At some stage between the reign of Timregis the Puce and the reign
of Talle
of Zibria, the gold was removed and replaced by half a
million false marble tiles. A Profithood Declaration of Sheer
Audacity was awarded to the unknown culprit.
KASSA: see DAGGERSHARP, Kassa
LADY EMPEROR: see Talle of Zibria.
LADY LUCK: A beige-blonde goddess
with a mean streak.
LEONARDES OF SKULLCAP:
the Chief Profit-scoundrel of the Profithood. An over-large, well-dressed
man with long, thick fingers, he is almost the most dangerous person in
Dreadnought
(see Talle of Zibria).
LINT, Tamb: spokesman for the merchants and marketeers of
Dreadnought.
Has greasy hair and tends to start his sentences with "Geetchor horanges,
cheap an' luvverly, gettem while they're hot."
LIQUID GOLD: a nasty (but very
shiny) substance invented by Mistress Opia to control time.
Most of it got spilled over the Silver Splashdance, setting
up a chain of disturbing events and adventures through time. Coveted by the
Sultan
of Zibria. Partly consumed by Sparrow, which led to all sorts
of problems. Finally used in a battle between the OtherRealm
and the Underworld,
and ultimately a tool of the infamous goddess Lady Luck.
Busy little alchemical potion, wasn't it?
LOST HERMITAGE OF TEATIME, the: a religious order which has
not been seen since the Year of the Great Badger Flood.
MAVIS: Goddess of Cluft; patron of neat cottages,
wet weather, knitting and learning curves.
MCHAGRTY, Finnley: a young, idealistic Blackguard who hails
from an ex-mobster family who are now firmly on the side of law and order.
The McHagrtys have a friendly blood feud against the Daggersharp pirates.
MEDUSA, Princess: Sister
of Magnus the Minestaurus and half-sister
to the current Sultan of Zibria, Medusa's unfortunate
curse is to turn all she looks upon into stone. An incident at her brother's
birthday party in the Year of the Sculpted Concubine was actually responsible
for the name of that particular year: the concubine in question was Tione.
Later caused a scandal by giving birth to an illegitimate daughter, whom
she fostered out to Chiantrio.
MERRYWEATHER, Vervain G:
an orange guardian sprite for whom clothes are the most important thing
in the cosmos - other than accessories. He likes bright, bold colours,
dispensing fashion advice and (occasionally) wearing women's clothing.
After being assigned to Kassa Daggersharp, Vervain went
AWOL from the spritehood in order to assist the Dark One,
whom he felt was far more in need of a wardrobe makeover.
METHODS BY WHICH ILLEGAL
MERCENARIES AVOID EXECUTION: see Hidden Army.
MIDDEN PLAINS, the: Farming
district, lots of peasant villages, mud, crops of turnips and mud. Rains
fish quite often. Current Lordling, Baron Humpty, has an interesting
coloured beard due to a run in with the Glimmer II. It is one of Mocklore's
worst kept secrets that the Smug Family performs from here.
MIDDENS, see Midden Plains, the
MILADY, see Lady Luck.
MINESTAURUS, Magnus the:
a prince of Zibria, brother to Medusa
and half-brother to the current Sultan. Magnus is a gentle if
terrifying beast who prefers a good book and a nice piece of currant
cake to any of that nasty roaring and teeth-gnashing. Can be quite gallant,
as evident when he rescued Sparrow.
MISTRESS OPIA: a scary lady specialising
in the study of time. Last seen in the OtherRealm, wondering how to
get out.
MOON-CYCLE: The moon-cycle is quite possibly the most
unreliable thing in Mocklore, which is quite an achievement. There are
thirteen moons in a year, but how long each one takes to make its cycle
is entirely random: thus the only predictable moon is the last of the year.
The shortest cycle ever recorded was four days from wax to wane and back
again, while the longest was about twelve weeks. This causes all sorts
of problems, particularly with monthly rent payments and werewolves.
MOONLIGHT DIMENSION,
the, LAND OF THE FEY, the: see the OtherRealm.
MOUNTAINS, the Skullcap:
see mutations,
Glimmer,
Glimmer II…
MOUNTAIN, the Teatime:
a ghastly apparition which looks like a giant upside down teacup on a
saucer. Covered with dragon herds and similar grazing animals.
MUTATIONS: Due to the aftereffects
of magical fallout (see Glimmer and Glimmer II),
creatures and plants native to the Skullcaps have a tendency to mutate.
Skullcap ladybirds, for instance, are four feet long. They have also developed
long tentacles with which they capture wildebeests and tickle them to death
before peeling them, eating their insides and making attractive hats out
of the remains. Squirrels have developed into effective chat show hosts,
chickens have become rather toothsome, and no one likes to remember what happened
when a certain species of tree moss developed a diabolical intelligence and
attempted to take over the cosmos. The belligerent Skullcap goats, however,
took an active role in their own mutations, enhancing their own strength,
encouraging the sudden appearance of attractive gold plumage with silver
spangles. They also have powerful suction-capped hooves which enable them
to climb almost anywhere, and a built-in safety raft which, due to a miscalculation,
is located somewhere in their spleen.
NARACHIDIUS SYNDROME: a disease which usually only occurs
in apple trees that are infested with willow-tongued spiders. The theory
in the Hypochondriac's Theoretical Almanac is that if a human were to
contract it, their limbs would fall off.
OPIA: see Mistress Opia
ORDER OF SPARKLING NUNS,
the: a franchise of convents devoted to the Fairy
Sprite-Mother. There was a branch outside Axgaard
which has since merged with the branch in Zibria, the original building
being used for a school for delinquent toddlers, but there are many branches
scattered throughout the Empire. Initiates relinquish their own name
for a nail-polish colour such as Sister Pink, Sister Ecru, Sister Aquamarine
Blush or Sister Peach Passion, and they are expected to sew the appropriate
colour of sequins on their habits as well as performing sundry other duties.
Like their patron, their specialties are cooking hearty meals, long walks
in the fresh air and other activities which are likely to earn merit-badges.
See also Princess of Axgaard.
OTHERREALM, the: the OtherRealm
is basically faeryland with teeth. See the moonlight dimension, the land of the fey.
PIGSELLERS: a curious breed of
merchants native to Dreadnought, who have proved
to be particularly desperate in these trying times, and will do almost anything
in order to sell a pig. No one knows why.
PIRATE OF NOTE: A Pirate of Note is always physically marked
in some particular way, such as by a magnificently jutting brow, a surprising
beard or a third eye in the most unexpected of places. Kassa
Daggersharp, for instance, has hair the colour of old
blood and, apparently, a birthmark in the shape of a decapitated skeleton
(the location of which has not been recorded for posterity). When a Pirate
of Note tries to ignore their destiny, nasty things tend to happen. Mind
you, nasty things tend to happen just as often to Pirates of Note who are
loyally committed to their profession, so it just goes to show.
PRIDE OF THE NAVY: The only
imperial ship at the beginning of the reign of Talle of
Zibria. The Lady Emperor later acquired more ships, but
they all look exactly like the first one, and are all named the same.
PRINCESS OF AXGAARD: A
thoroughly sensible woman who entered the Order of Sparkling Nuns at an
early age and thus escaped the usual fate for princesses (although she
had a narrow miss with a spinning wheel). She is now known as Sister Pink.
PRINCE OF THE MIDDENS:
The untalented son of Baron Humpty, Lordling of the Midden
Plains. Princely duties being as undemanding as they are,
he lives on a small dragon farm and is married with three children.
PROFITHOOD, the: an organisation
consisting of thieves, merchants, double-dealers and bank managers, basically
anyone working in fields involving the transaction and acquisition of money.
See Leonardes of Skullcap, Daggar
Profit-scoundrel.
PROFIT-SCOUNDREL, Daggar:
A profit-scoundrel who could be quite good at it if he ever risked anything.
Cousin to Kassa. Has an unfortunate tendency
to be attracted to dangerous women such as Zelora
Footcrusher and Sparrow. Has travelled both
into the past and the future, causing untold damage to the nature of causality.
PSITTACUS THE PHILOSOPHER:
An alternate persona of Binx, god of Dreadnought.
Psittacus is elderly, white-bearded and has a habit of quoting people
nobody else has ever heard of.
RAGHAH THE GOLDEN: Ferret-faced
(looks more like a whippet to me) rat-fink god of Zibria,
who keeps trying to visit women as showers of gold, various forms of birdlife,
etc. The products of these 'unions' usually slap on a lion skin and turn
hero, unless they are girls.
RANULF: see GODRICKSKEYRIDGE, Ranulf.
RED ADMIRAL: Master of the
Emperor's Navy, which at the beginning of the Lady Emperor's
reign consisted of twelve men and a ship's parrot, all holding the title
of Admiral. Since then, the navy has almost doubled in size, and is specifically
charged with seeking out pirates. All of the Imperial Admirals are colloquially
known as the Red Admirals, although the Red Admiral himself is acknowledged
as being slightly more Admirally than any of the rest of them. In honour
of this (and so they can tell which one he is) he wears a hat shaped exactly
like the navy's ship, Pride of the Navy.
ROREY: Lordling of Skullcap.
A flabby young man who spends too much time indoors. His tastes are almost
entirely frivolous and his dress-sense borders on the criminal. Because
of the lack of available space in Skullcap, the Lordling's Palace is a
two-up two-down in the high street. The roof holds the croquet field, the
cherry fountain, the rose arbour, the gazebo and the poisonous labyrinth.
He is especially fond of mummers, jesters and goats. See Tippett.
SEVENTEEN SEAS: apparently there are seventeen seas, including
the Cellar Sea and (presumably) many more.
SILVER SPLASHDANCE: a name
given to the pirate ship Splashdance by Aragon
Silversword, in honour of the huge amount of trouble caused
by a certain hoard of silver. Anyway, it is silvery. And it sparkles!
Well, there was that time when it wasn't officially silver because of
being drenched in Liquid Gold, but it got better.
SILVERSWORD, Aragon: A
professional traitor (retired). Former Knight of the Order of the Unmentionable
Garment and ex-Champion of the Empire (twice). Tricked by Kassa
Daggersharp into accepting her witchmark, he found himself
inextricably bound to her service. After his quest to rescue Kassa from
a fate worse than death (i.e the Underworld), Aragon made the decision
to remain with her of his own free will. This friendly arrangement lasted
only a few months, after which he mysteriously disappeared from Kassa's
life.
SKEYLLES: The Fishy Judge, Lord of the Underwater. God of
the oceans and, by association, the seaport of Skullcap. Godfather to Kassa.
Has a collection of half-grown cats who work as his intelligence service.
SKIDS: The Skids is the nasty, poor
section of Dreadnought, where everyone
is either a criminal, an urchin or half-dead from starvation.
SKULLCAP: a seaport surrounded by
the Skullcap mountains. Best access is by boat. Current Lordling: Rorey
the Mostly Useless. Skullcap is landlocked and overcrowded; the Palace
is a two-up two-down in the high street.
SKULLCAPS, see Mountains, the Skullcap.
SLIMY ONE, the: Otherwise known as glorious Number Seven.
Patron to the Midden Plains.
SMUG FAMILY, the: a group
of mummers and minstrels who perform regular episodes of a day in the life
of a neighbourhood rife with witches, warlocks, the fey folk at the Healery
and many amusing misunderstandings. Very popular with witches, as the
show is only receivable via crystal balls.
SONGSTREL, Summer: a perky guardian sprite, once assigned
to Nell Witchdaughter
and later to her daughter Kassa in order to convince her
to take the path of witchcraft. She is blonde, buxom and talks in mock-Cockney.
After being promoted to Personnel, Summer takes a certain sadistic pleasure
in assigning the most peculiar sprites she can find to help Kassa. See
MERRYWEATHER, Vervain G.
SOOTHSAYER, the: a sayer
of sooth. Drinks a lot of hot lemonade. See the Brewer's
Pavilion.
SPARKY: a dismal, moon-faced barman.
Runs the Whet & Whistle.
SPARROW: abandoned as a baby in the
Troll
Triangle and raised by trolls, Sparrow is the only independent
mercenary currently operating in Mocklore. She is lean, mean and dangerous
to know, which is probably why Daggar fancies her so much.
After working as an agent for the Sultan of Zibria, she terminated
their contract (due to her impending death at her employer's hands) and
set out on an adventure in the Silver Splashdance, which was
at that time affected by the time-travelling substance known as Liquid Gold.
SPLASHDANCE: a ship belonging
to Black Nell
after she declared independence form her husband Bigbeard. After the ship was
scuppered, causing Nell's untimely demise, the ship was officially missing
for many years along with a big shiny silver hoard until it was found
by Kassa Daggersharp, and was
renamed by her newly re-acquired henchman, Aragon
Silversword. See Silver Splashdance.
SULTAN OF ZIBRIA: currently
Marmaduc the XV. Formerly Marmaduc the XIV, which is not as easy to pronounce.
The current Sultan is your average giggling villain, at least 50% psychopathic
and not the sort of chap you invite over for tea and crumpets.
TALLE OF ZIBRIA: 38th Emperor
and first Lady Emperor of Mocklore. Born in Zibria and related to the Zibrian
royal family, Talle grew up in Chiantrio. As a teenager she went to a
very select boarding school, at which she met Kassa.
History is silent as to which of these was made head prefect. After a
highly successful career as a courtesan to the Emperor Timregis
the Puce, Lady Talle slid sideways into the role of Lady
Emperor during the Year of the Second Glimmer. She is golden-haired, sensual
and has a penchant for chaise longues.
TEATIME: see Mountain, Teatime.
TIMREGIS THE PUCE: The most
long-lived of Mocklore's Emperors. Also the least sane.
TIONE: A time travelling concubine/secret
policewoman from Zibria who got herself turned
to stone by Princess Medusa and was rescued
(we hope) by Cutlass Cooper. She obviously
really enjoyed being rescued, because she almost immediately fell pregnant
to Cooper and gave birth to twins, Reed and Rosawund,
within the year.
TIPPETT: A jester with literary aspirations
who left the employ of Lordling Rorey in order to write
Kassa's biography in epic
verse which was eventually performed in a tavern after Kassa's apparent
death.
TMESIS: The priestess of forgotten gods, Tmesis lives in
the Cloud Dimension and is notoriously vague, particularly when advising
heroes.
TREES: There are many species of tree in Mocklore, and the most
interesting are those which reside near the Skullcaps, and have thus
developed the ability to communicate with humans (or at least magical
humans). Some types include the purple alder, the pink spiny-tipped hoak
and the gold-leaved swaxzleberry tree.
TROLL TRIANGLE, the: nasty
big orange spiky bit of geography which makes Mocklore look untidy. Somewhere
between Zibria
& Dreadnought,
only a bit more to the left. This is where the Trolls live. Humans don't
tend to emerge alive from the Triangle, with the notable exception of
Sparrow.
TWEEDLING, Glittzia: guardian sprite to the Princess
of Axgaard. She has had very little to do since her princess's
christening, at which no sinister dark sprite even considered cursing
the burbling child.
UNDERWORLD: Where the dead people
go. Originally ruled by the King of the Imps, the Underworld was then put
in the charge of the Dark One because of his name.
Currently ruled by the Dark One’s bride Pomegranate, the Underworld
recently suffered a revolution led by Bigbeard and Black Nell,
who have declared their portion of the afterlife to be an independent
city state. If you want to know more, visit it yourself. Mind the imps.
And don’t order the mineral water.
URCHINS: Professional urchins are
more well-fed than any other demographic in Mocklore. Traditionally they
live in well-insulated barrels in areas such as the Skids, and earn a crust by begging,
borrowing, stealing, spying and posing for tourists. They are always less
than twelve years old and suspiciously intelligent, disguising their brilliance
by use of urchin-speak, a peculiar pidgin language which only cute young
children in ragged clothes can get away with. After reaching puberty, ex-urchins
often get employment as merchants, profit-scoundrels and minstrels, unless
they are Urchin-spies, in which case they
are already gainfully employed.
URCHIN-SPIES: a particular breed
of urchins with a devastating intellect and the unique ability to ingratiate
themselves with their victims in order to spy most effectively on them.
For some reason, when urchin-spies reach puberty, they lose many of their
intellectual skills, and regress to the mental state of typical teenagers.
For a case study, see CAMELOT, Griffin.
WANDERING MONKS OF DARKNESS, the: a religious order only open
to men and male impersonators.
WHET & WHISTLE (TAVERN
AND GRILLHOUSE): a dingy Dreadnought tavern in which
Kassa
Daggersharp temporarily lived as the resident entertainment.
The patrons are surprisingly musically inclined for a bunch of lowtown
thugs, and are known to get sentimental over soppy romantic ballads. The
owner of the Whet & Whistle has never been seen, but the tavern is
quite capably run by the moon-faced and taciturn Sparky.
WITCHDAUGHTER, Nellisand: see Black Nell
WITCHES WEB, the: A trio of goddesses (technically one
goddess) consisting of Fate (old, grey and bitter) Destiny (young, green-haired
and interesting-looking) and The Other One (beige-blonde Lady Luck)
who is not to be trifled with.
WORDERN: The Axgaard god with
flying daughters (mainly flying backwards and most too young to be buxom).
They all reverted to childhood in order to annoy him, and were caught short
by the decimalisation. See Wordensdaughter, Pomegranate.
WORDENSDAUGHTER, Pomegranate:
Daughter of Wordern. Long braids.
XANDRA: Commandant of the Zibrian Secret
Police, an organisation based around courtesans. A dark-skinned woman
in a little spangled dress.
ZIBRIA: A rambling, classical city
of marble pillars, people in togas and fishcakes. Lordling: Marmaduc XV,
the Sultan.
See also Xandra
and Raglah the Golden.
Back to Contents List
Read an excerpt of Splashdance
Silver
Read an excerpt of Liquid Gold
Splashdance Silver
published in Australia & New Zealand,
Bantam 1998
(excerpt)
By the time Aragon was brought to the Imperial Receiving Room he had been
bathed, shaved, scrubbed, garbed and scented with some peculiar perfume
that a page had managed to dump into his bathwater before he could prevent
it.
His new clothes came equipped with a dagger and a sword. Admittedly
the sword was not a proper rapier, just an ornate knitting needle of
the kind carried by courtiers. Nevertheless, it was sharp and in one
piece. It was better than nothing. They had given him a dagger, too.
If the new Emperor was as stupid as this suggested, things might not
turn out too badly.
Aragon found himself pushed through a swinging sequined curtain
into a room which had been tiled in ebony. “Aragon Silversword, former
Knight of the Unmentionable Garment and Champion of the Mocklore Empire!”
roared a little liveried servant with a huge voice. Aragon’s eyebrow flickered
in annoyance.
The chamber was empty. A huge circle of mirrored tiles lay in the
centre of the floor, surrounded by the glossy ebony. Aragon moved forward.
An emerald curtain at the back of the chamber slid aside to reveal a silken
woman reclining upon a chaise longue of purple feathers.
“Lady Talle of Zibria, 38th Emperor of Mocklore and Holder of the
Sacred Bauble of Chiantrio!” bellowed the servant.
The Lady Emperor acknowledged this with a slight movement of her
half-lidded eyes. Aragon walked across the mirrored tiles, his new boots
ringing sharply against the glass. Very deliberately, he looked the Lady
Emperor up and down as if she were a kitchen wench.
Far from being affronted at his insolence, Lady Talle preened and
stretched, enjoying his eyes on her. Then she tilted her head, and purred,
“So you are the one.”
“That’s what they tell me,” replied Aragon crisply.
“You betrayed your Emperor, throwing the Empire into chaos and confusion.
Indirectly, you are responsible for the position I now hold.”
“You’re welcome,” replied Aragon tonelessly.
She stood silently, moving around him as she spoke. “You intrigue
me. I want you to be my Champion.”
“I betrayed the last Emperor I championed,” Aragon reminded her.
“I know,” said Talle with a secret smile. “You will not betray me.”
His eyes lit up. “Now, there’s a challenge.”
Kassa stepped towards the bar. A few serious drinkers slid their
stools automatically aside to make room for her. She was that sort of person.
Sparky the barman was suddenly very studiously polishing a glass. “You’ll
be leaving us, then.”
“I expect so,” said Kassa, toying with a bracelet. She wore a lot
of jewellery. Necklaces, anklets, rings, spangles and bangles. Lobe-rings,
toe-rings, beaded buttons. Anything that glittered. She eyed the package
suspiciously. It was about the size of six large fists, and an awkward
shape under the thick cloth binding. “Who sent it?”
Sparky grunted, and pushed the package in her direction. “Says on
the back ’s from Vicious Bigbeard Daggersharp of the Dread Redhead.”
Kassa’s expression changed and in one swift moment she grabbed the
package, swept over to the door of the tavern, kicked it open and threw
the package out into the snow. There was a heavy bang as the parcel exploded.
Acrid smoke poured into the tavern, and she tugged the door shut to keep
out the stench. “Sorry about that, Sparky. My darling daddy discovered troll
thunderdust a few years back and now he uses it for everything. He shaves
with it, salts his food with it, and unfortunately he seals his letters
with it. He sent a load of his laundry to me a few months ago, and it
ended up plastered all over the Skullcaps.”
Sparky looked sidelong at her. “You’re Bigbeard’s daughter?”
“Don’t spread it around.”
Sparky then gave her the closest thing to a grin she had ever seen
on his dismal, moon-shaped face. “So that’s why his ship’s called the Dread
Redhead.”
Kassa touched a hand to her suitably heroic blood-red hair. “Something
like that. See you later, Sparky. I’ve got a package to scrape up from
the pavement.” She wrenched her overdress and cloak back on over her scanty
stage costume before heading out into the night of early winter. It was
bitter outside, with the promise of becoming even colder as the night dragged
on. The bits of parcel that were scattered across the melted snow were black
and soggy now, no longer hissing with thunderdust.
Amazingly, the contents of the package were still intact. It was
a statue of some sort, still warm from the explosion. Kassa turned the
piece over in her hands, slowly. She took careful notice of the hideously
gaping mouth, the enlarged beaky nose and the large menacing eyes beneath
a craggy brow, all meticulously carved in dull grey stone. It was a short,
squat, rather repulsive gargoyle. Bigbeard’s taste in objets d’art
had obviously not improved over the years.
Wedged into the gargoyle’s mouth was a lump of parchment. Kassa
prised it out and unfolded it. There, scratched happily in a childish
hand which clearly stated that it had better things to do than write
letters, was a message from her father.
To: Mistress Kassa Daggersharp, probly in Dreadnought, Mocklore
Empire etceterer, singin’ and dancin’ somewhere daft. From: Cap’n Vicious
Bigbeard Daggersharp, Scourge of the Purple Seas, Master of the Dread
Redhead and Winner of the Violent and Truly Orrible Sea & Sword
Olympics three years running.
Wot ho, wench. If you is reading this, I am ded. Tarra then. See
you in the underwurld. I’le be in the cave with the most rum in it. Enclsed
is one gargole. Take care of it and DONT DROP IT YOU STUPID BINT. Doom lurks.
Now I am ded, you is the only proper Daggersharp left (except for
Bloody Dangerous Pointybeard Daggersharp, Roaring Redbeard Daggersharp
and Gormless Barechin Tim [hes your third cousin, legs removed] an they
dont count cos theyr a load of girls blousies. It is your pirattical duty
to get a gang together and wreak havoc. The silver I nicked from the Splashdance
will help you. Braided Bones will eksplain everything. Get our Mollys
useless sprog to help you wif the crew. And shuvels.
Yo ho ho, etc, Your Dad. [deceased]
PS: Dont marry a McHagrty or I will haunt you like the bastard I
am.
Kassa shoved the parchment in a pocket and marched back into the
tavern, ignoring them all as she headed for the stairs. Up in her cozy
little attic room, she read the letter over again.
So that was that. It was time to stop playing around in taverns
and take over the family business. It was time to trade in her sequins
and silk for a sturdy sword and an eyepatch. It was time to grow up.
Kassa started throwing things at the wall. The pillows were first,
followed by half her jewellery collection and an over-stuffed pink teddy
bear which she usually hid under the bed. Then she dismantled the bed itself
and threw the bits out the window without opening it first. Broken glass
rained down upon the snowy ground outside.
Her collection of bawdy song-parchments from exotic locations was
carefully shredded and strewn liberally over the floor.
The gargoyle was thrown at several walls, but she didn’t even manage
to dent the stupid nose.
Kassa had grown up believing that she was going to be a pirate -
believing, in fact, that she already was one. But that had been a long
time ago, before she had discovered that there was more to life than what
could be seen from the prow of a ship.
There was another alternative, of course. No one could blame her
if she rejected her father’s career to follow her mother’s original vocation.
But Kassa didn’t want to be a witch either. Witches were old and wrinkled,
and spent their whole time muttering stupid spells. She knew from experience
how dangerous that could be.
Kassa had seen enough magic and enough mayhem to last her a lifetime.
She didn’t want to follow either path. But now…
Frustratedly, she flung the last pillow at the jagged corner of
the broken window. Goose feathers filled the air in a sudden, silent
explosion. Kassa Daggersharp stood very still as the white feathers rained
down upon her blood-red hair. “I suppose I owe him that much,” she admitted
to the empty room.
She shook her fist at the gargoyle, which lay accusingly on its
side in a corner of the little room. “But I’m not promising anything!”
she declared.
Feathers still drifted down from the ragged edges of the broken
attic window. Kassa picked a few from her hair, and watched them flutter
away into the night. “Bloody pirates,” she muttered beneath her breath.
“Just when you start taking them for granted, they get themselves killed.”
“I remember you, Silversword,” said the Lady Emperor, her silken
skirts whispering as she circled around him. “You were the best man Timregis
had. Brave, skilled, highly intelligent.”
“Not loyal, though,” noted Aragon.
“Oh, well you can’t have everything.” Lady Talle smiled like a cat
with its claws into something small and furry. “I used to have a poster
of you on my wall, you know. The mighty Champion of the Empire.” She clicked
her tongue. “People looked up to you, once upon a time. People believed
in you.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” said Aragon laconically.
“Oh, you didn’t. Not at all. After all, a villain is much more interesting
than a hero.”
Aragon frowned. This woman seemed familiar, and he didn’t know why.
Then he remembered. “You!”
Talle frowned, and the tiniest of wrinkles marred her exquisite
forehead. “Be careful, Silversword. Do not mistake my courtesy for favour.
I can have you back in that cell in a thread of an instant.”
He advanced on her, grey eyes gleaming. “I remember you now. One
of Timregis’ courtesans! Not even his favourite…”
“No,” she said acidly. “But I was the most intelligent, Aragon.
And the most powerful.”
He laughed shortly. “You were a decoration, girl, a bauble on a
shelf of ornaments. What makes you think you can run an Empire?”
A snarl flicked across Talle’s perfect face. “I can be very, very
popular,” she hissed. “I have it all now, Silversword. I waited as useless
Emperor after useless Emperor went by. None of them had a clue about how
to organise things, they just sat back and enjoyed the view until the
money ran out. It is my turn now. And I will hold the Empire just as I
hold the Sacred Bauble. The city states will pay tribute to me!”
Aragon was intrigued. “It never occured to me that one could take
over an Empire from the harem.”
“It didn’t occur to anyone. That’s what made it so easy. Obviously
you are not willing to work for me. I am sorry to have taken up so much
of your time. I’m sure your cell will be just as you left it.”
Aragon put out a hand, touching her wrist. His grey eyes were neutral,
an expression very few people have ever fully mastered. “I did not say
that I was not willing to negotiate, Talle.”
She smiled slowly, a silken smile. “How benevolent of you. Let us
discuss terms.”
He touched her mouth briefly with a fingertip. “Not quite yet. I
want you to tell me something first.”
She regarded him, making no move to dislodge his finger. Then she
spoke, “What do you want to know?”
His expression flickered only slightly. “What the hell is this Sacred
Bauble you keep talking about?”
Lady Talle’s eyes bubbled with laughter. “Oh, that. It was a gift
from the late Emperor Timregis. Do you want to see?” She reached down
into her bodice, and drew out a transparent ball the size of a small egg.
It descended slowly from her fingertips, then bobbed up towards the ceiling
and finally descended into her outstretched palm with the grace and speed
of a drifting goose feather. Talle slipped it back into her bodice. “Perhaps
someday I will tell you what it’s for,” she suggested slyly. “But for
now, let me tell you the first task I have in mind for my Champion.”
“She intends to keep the Empire in her bodice,” said Aragon Silversword
to himself. “An interesting metaphor.”
Liquid Gold
published
in Australia and New Zealand, Bantam 1999
(excerpt)
The canary zoomed in for the kill.
“Duck!” yelled Sparrow.
“It’s just a bird,” protested Daggar, throwing himself to the ground
anyway. His whole personality was programmed to respond to non-existent
threats, no matter what common sense had to say about it. “What harm can
it - ow!”
The swooping canary neatly clipped his ear as it zipped past his
head.
Sparrow lunged at the bird with her sword, gaining its attention.
“Have you never heard of death canaries?"
“I refuse to admit that anything as dangerous as you imply could
possibly exist without me knowing about it,” replied Daggar loftily, throwing
himself behind a bush as the canary came in for another swoop.
“They are a Zibrian invention. Assassins.” She threw herself to
the ground and rolled aside as the canary came at her. “As long as you
keep moving, you have a chance. But the minute you stop -”
Singespitter the sheep had managed to slip his leash and was currently
flapping his way out of the danger area.
“Can’t we just wait for it to tire itself out?’ yelled Daggar, dodging
another aerial attack by the small bird.
“They do not get tired.”
A jet of flame shot past Daggar’s right ear, singing his collar
and startling him half to death. “What the hell’s that?”
“They also breathe fire!”
“Right,” said Daggar in a very shaky voice. “I’ve had enough of
this!” He pulled his second-best lucky dagger out from under his tunic
and threw it at the approaching canary. As usual when he was absolutely
terrified, his aim was true. The knife struck the canary in the centre,
pinning it to the nearest tree.
Sparrow stood very still. “Thunderdust!" she gasped.
“A pretty good shot, even if I do say so myself,” agreed Daggar
proudly.
When Sparrow had finally got her breath back, she said, "You do
not cut a death canary. Not under any circumstances!”
“Why not?” he demanded in a wounded voice.
The two halves of the dismembered canary fell to the ground. They
began to buzz. Two sharp-beaked yellow canaries rose into the air, and
a synchronised twin burst of flame streaked out in Daggar’s direction.
“Not fair!” he howled, throwing himself behind yet another bush.
“I am sorry, Daggar,” said Sparrow as she pulled an orange capsule
out of a pouch on her belt and snapped it firmly between her teeth.
The buzzing sound stopped. The two death canaries hovered in mid
air. So too did Singespitter the sheep, whose weight-to-wing ratio meant
he couldn’t fly very fast.
Sparrow barely paused. She scooped up her leather satchel, sheathed
her sword and started walking.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” said Daggar.
Sparrow whirled around, surprise overwhelming her usual harsh expression.
“Why are you not frozen?” she demanded.
“I don’t know about that, but I do take antidotes to almost everything
on a regular basis. You were just going to walk off and leave me!”
“Maybe.”
“Now, why would you do a thing like that?” Daggar grabbed his sack
and yanked the frozen Singespitter out of midair.
Sparrow glanced back at the canaries. “Let us move while we can.”
She began to stride, and Daggar soon caught up to her, despite the extra
weight of the sheep in his arms.
“I thought you wanted to team up,” he accused.
She shot an angry look sidelong at him. “The exploded temple did
not stop them. Travelling with you did not stop them. An ordinary tracker
might have been confused, but they are not using ordinary techniques. If
even half of what I have heard about the Brewers is true, they will not
give up on me easily. You will be safer if we part company.”
“You mean you think you would make better time on your own,” Daggar
predicted, quite accurately as it turned out. “I thought…” he paused.
“Hang on, did you say the Brewers?”
"Yes. I stole something from them, and they want it back."
“You’ll never make it,” said Daggar in a stunned voice. “I mean,
the Brewers. They’ll eat you alive and spit you out as chemical equations.”
Sparrow stopped in her tracks, impatient. “All the more reason why
you should go elsewhere! The canaries will not follow you.”
“No fear,” he said, shaking his head wildly. “I’m already connected
with you. The Brewers will hunt me down, bite off my head and turn my
kneecaps into frogs no matter what I do. If I stick with you, at least
I have half a chance of you protecting me!”
Sparrow rolled her eyes, tiring of the discussion. She was a mercenary,
not a diplomat. “Kiss me, Daggar.”
He looked at her in astonishment. “What did you say?”
“Kiss me,” she repeated. And then, because her suggestion had obviously
left him in a state of shock, she kissed him.
Daggar’s state of shock wore off, eventually. He even kissed her
back, once he realised that she wasn’t going to kill him for taking such
a liberty. But then his eyes rolled back in his head, he dropped the frozen
sheep and hit the ground snoring.
“So,” said Sparrow softly. "You do not have an antidote to everything.”
And she continued walking in her long confident stride, over the
rough canal path towards the marble columns of Zibria.